Suicide

Suicide I’m sure it’s something people have an opinion on. 

May be something people think is a cowards move, maybe be something people think is a persons only option… it happens nonetheless.

Tonight, I was inches away from taking all my sleeping tablets and any other tablets I could get my hands on… my husband and I have split, he has my children, he will be getting the home I paid for, he has the car I paid half of, he will has my family…  you hear all this talk about how dads kill thwmselves over not seeing their kids… mums kill themselves too. 

Let that sink in… it’s not as common… but it HAPPENS.. I would of been that uncommon occurrence… I wrote letters to my children, To my ex husband and to my cousin.. 

I don’t have much to live for if I can’t have my children 💔💔

My heart is broken in a million pieces and I don’t know how I will put it back together 💔
She won’t benamed

Death..

In my last post, I spoke about “mums” and how I was adopted and felt like I wasn’t loved.. My mum who adopted passed away 2 weeks ago.. 

You read right, my mum passed away. Now obviously we didn’t have the best relationship, read my last post and a monkey could tell you that! But my heart is still in a million pieces, what is a world without mum? It’s been a little over 2 weeks and I’m still shattered. I am still in disbelief, I am still heartbroken.. When is the feeling of heart break meant to go away? Does it ever go away? Am I allowed to do things and have a routine again? Or am I meant to crawl into a hole and wonder how on earth I am going to survive the rest of my life without my mum?? 

I cannot picture my world without my mum, no matter how nasty she was, she was my mum, she’ll always be my mum… 

When death happens, everyone grieves in different ways, for me personally losing mum while I knew it was going to happen as she was unwell, I’m still in shock & disbelief… I still want this to be a dream and her to ring me up saying “Jokes on you babe.” I’d much rather that.. In the last 10 months alone, we have lost 2 aunties, an uncle, a great grandmother and my mum.. How am I meant to be feeling? Does anyone know? I don’t know, I don’t know anymore… 😞

I’m sorry, especially if I did not make any sense.. 

Two mums.

So, I’m adopted or as my mum likes to say I was her foster daughter.. Tonight I was watching on a news program about a young girl who was adopted because her Sri Laken mum couldn’t afford to have her and it was basically a life or death situation. Anyway, the lovely family who adopted her were loving and gave her the most wonderful life. Her Australian mum who passed away had one dying wish and that was for this young girl to find her birth mother.. She did.. It was beautiful, a beautiful reunion. I sat on the couch crying like a baby… My husband seems to think I cry over a lot of things… Maybe I do, I’m a woman, a very emotional woman. Is that a bad thing?

I cried because I was put up for adoption, both my mums I feel didn’t love me. I was abused from before I can remember (maybe I was a horrible child? I believe I was doomed from conception.). I was sexually abused by the age 7, I was physically abused before that by a babysitter, my mother used to tell me I was so horrible that it’s no wonder I was put up for adoption, she used to use the fact I was sexually abused against me.. I remember an orange blanket and a knife, if I was naughty the person under the orange blanket would emerge, carrying a knife reminding me to behave myself..

My mum used to also use the man hole as a form of abuse.. How? She would claim to have ladder waiting under the man hole and tell me when it was in the middle of the night she was taking me away for ever. Basically now, I have a fear of man holes.. Pretty embarrassing so the people who know me, don’t actually know.

My point is, I was really emotional because the young girl had TWO mothers who love her & I feel like I can’t even get one to love me.. I’m grateful for all the family that do love me. Just sometimes I need a mum.
Shewontbenamed x

Giving up??

I cannot this anymore.So do not tell me, to just deal with it. Because if you realise.. I am not dealing with it.. Master 3 is a HORRIBLE child..

He is nasty and he just pushes and pushes.. And one day I’m going to really lose it and there will be regrets all round from you, from everyone!

Hasn’t my post on Facebook made you realise I’m not coping??? 

There is only so much more I can handle. 

So many “I hate you”s I can hear, 

So many more times my things can be broken… 

There is only so much one person can handle, you want me to tell you all I can’t handle it.. Then friggen hear it..

These kids are pushing me to a point of no return and one day I’m going to do something that I’ll seriously regret.. 

Tell me to deal with it as much as you want. I CANNOT handle three kids, I CANNOT handle life. I CANNOT manage a household, raise 3 kids, make sure they’re eating healthy make sure you’re looked after. I CAN NOT do it.. 
Are you listening to me??! Are you seriously listening??? Or are you just going to continue shrugging it off??? Does that make you feel better? Does it make everything disappear for a while for you?? Because I’m batteling every fucking day., every fucking day is a fucking battle to survive. To get through the day. 

Are you still shrugging it off?? 

Are you going to shrug it off if you find me dead one?? Or the kids dead?? Are you still going to shrug it off or will it be that point that YOU realise you missed something will it be that point that our family realises they missed my call out for help?? 

When will someone help me.. When will some one save me from the monster in my head that you seem to think I can just make go away?? When will someone save me?

Please, help me.. 

Breaking the cycle of abuse.

Being abused and losing my entire childhood and teen years, was tough.  I guess I was doomed from birth. A drug baby, then my mother “tried” to look after me, she told me once I cried so much she locked me in a cupboard… Fast forward a few weeks, I’m put in to foster care with a lady whom I grow up calling mum..

It wasn’t a good love, between her being sick all the time, being sexually abused an uncle, having to look after my “mum” to her belting me all the time and calling me names, saying I was ungrateful at the age of 8. 

Fast forward from 1998 to today.. I’m a mother of three children and a wife, to a caring and adoring husband. My eldest child being 5 and youngest child 9months old. Yesterday my children pushed and pushed and done everything to misbehave.. I said some things, to which I sat and I cried about, it was at this point I realised… How do I break the cycle??? Ian definitely 100% not at all abusing my children! Let me make that quite clear!!

I have smacked their bottoms (not the 9 month old either), told them they are naughty, taken toys away.. But it’s when they push and push and I want to lose complete control and just go nuts, I realise that’s where the abuse will start.. How do I break this?  How do I stop myself from getting to this point.. I’m 25 years of age, Ihave been this way my entire life,  every relationship I was in, was a domestic violent relationship.. My daughters accidental sperm donor copped it from me.. I was continuing that cycle of abuse I had suffered for the last 4 years… When did I break that??? I broke that, when I met my husband.. We are happy, (okay, we have our issues!!!) but we are not violent towards each other, we are not nasty to each other.. How I broke that??? Beyond me. I got no fucking clue… 

Where do I go to seek help to save my family from me?? I am going to lose my family, I cannot lose myself in my emotions, my children cannot become apart of the cycle…
Save me from myself. 
Shewontbenamed.

When does it get better?

So it’s been awhile since I posted.. Sorry about that. Between my three kids, my husband and all the other issues life throws at you, I’ve been flat out. I’ve sort of hit a wall where I’m like, do I like living in a regional city? Should I move back to the metro area? Will my children be happy here? 

I am beginning to really feel home sick. Oh I miss the city, I miss the being able to go a store that’s open 24 hours and it’s NOT McDonalds. I miss the supermarket being opened till midnight instead of 9pm. I miss my friends, family… My job. 

Since our move, my husband and I have been fighting a fair whack. Almost every single day. Unhealthy, I’ve got  a “friend” who’s husband talks shit about almost everyone, who thinks the best advice is, “oh just do what ever you want, buy what you want.” I don’t want to hear that, I don’t want to hear, that I need to see a life coach because my marriage is unhealthy.  I don’t want to hear I need to take my kids out of the marriage because we fight. Everyone has a disagreement, fight, argument at some point. Ok we may be fighting a lot but I sure as hell am not throwing my marriage away when i believe our problems can fixed.. 

Now, I’m not saying that I personally need a life coach, I am saying, that I think my husband and I may need to do counselling, find the root of our problems and try to iron out the creases to make us happy again.. The problem with that??? My husband is so stubborn that when I suggest counselling I’m frowned upon. 

I love my family with all my heart, I’ll do what ever it takes to fix any problem we have, to make our marriage last a lifetime. Until then, when does it get better? 

Shewontbenamed x 

Sometimes you’re like, what?

do you ever come across something on the Internet and think to yourself, what the fuck… This happened today…  

 
I must admit, I laughed, I laughed till there was tears streaming down my face. It was hilarious. But in actual fact . What the fuck?

Shewontbenamed

The way I feel.

Seeing as I get told I’m not allowed to feel the way I feel, i will post it here… 

 I’m having so much trouble with Miss Fives behaviour, Master 3 is starting to follow suit., before long Master 7 months will start to do the same.. 

I feel like they hate me. I honestly have no idea who I am anymore.  As a parent, you face struggles, you wonder if what you’re doing is right for your child, is this really the best decision for my child? 

I honestly feel like I’m a failing mother. I feel like I’ve failed, failed my husband and my children. 

I’m sorry. I am just so fucking sorry.

Shewontbenamed

Not meant to be.

so this week we decided it was time to buy a house. The funds are there so why not??! Well, we inspected houses and found the one we wanted…. 

We organised the building inspection, pest inspection and solicitors only to have the owners decide after we had committed to purchasing and paid to take the house off the market, that they wanted more, we were counter offered.. It turned into an auction…
Devastated does not begin to explain how I felt when I received the phone call explaining that we had lost the property. 

It was perfect for us…
Maybe next time right ? 

Shewontbenamed. 

Is it over?

as you know, I’m married. But Is it over? We are having some behavioural issues with Miss 5 and the school has called a meeting next Friday with her teacher, the welfare officer, myself and my husband…  I know 100% my husband will not be at the meeting… Why? Because it appears, that while yes she is a 5 year old little girl, she has caused us a fair whack of problems. *note I take full responsibility for how she acts and how she is* 

He has distanced himself from her, doesn’t want to deal with her and in his words is “sick of her.”  Talk about crushed. My heart, is broken in a millions pieces.. I have screwed up raising my children.. Side note here, miss 5 is from a previous relationship which went south and long story short he wanted nothing to do with her.

How do I fix this huge mistake? How do I mend this… With my husband not caring anymore about my daughter, I’m just broken… let me tell you though, He was there for her birth, changed her first few nappies, bathed her, took her in as his own. Now this… This nightmare. 

I am currently on the couch with my baby, I managed to transfer him from his cradle into my lounge room without waking him up.. Live taken my medication and now, this… I’m writing a blog, thinking about how I fix this mess.. 

I have a referral to see a paediatrician now the waiting game begins, what are the costs going to be, what will the waiting timeframe be… The doctor on the referral is aimed at, is away till Friday, so Friday is the EARLIEST I will hear back… Until I get an appointment and an assessment done, does my husband and I, speak very little to each other and do I continue sleeping on the couch?

I don’t even know…… 
Shewontbenamed.