Breaking the cycle of abuse.

Being abused and losing my entire childhood and teen years, was tough.  I guess I was doomed from birth. A drug baby, then my mother “tried” to look after me, she told me once I cried so much she locked me in a cupboard… Fast forward a few weeks, I’m put in to foster care with a lady whom I grow up calling mum..

It wasn’t a good love, between her being sick all the time, being sexually abused an uncle, having to look after my “mum” to her belting me all the time and calling me names, saying I was ungrateful at the age of 8. 

Fast forward from 1998 to today.. I’m a mother of three children and a wife, to a caring and adoring husband. My eldest child being 5 and youngest child 9months old. Yesterday my children pushed and pushed and done everything to misbehave.. I said some things, to which I sat and I cried about, it was at this point I realised… How do I break the cycle??? Ian definitely 100% not at all abusing my children! Let me make that quite clear!!

I have smacked their bottoms (not the 9 month old either), told them they are naughty, taken toys away.. But it’s when they push and push and I want to lose complete control and just go nuts, I realise that’s where the abuse will start.. How do I break this?  How do I stop myself from getting to this point.. I’m 25 years of age, Ihave been this way my entire life,  every relationship I was in, was a domestic violent relationship.. My daughters accidental sperm donor copped it from me.. I was continuing that cycle of abuse I had suffered for the last 4 years… When did I break that??? I broke that, when I met my husband.. We are happy, (okay, we have our issues!!!) but we are not violent towards each other, we are not nasty to each other.. How I broke that??? Beyond me. I got no fucking clue… 

Where do I go to seek help to save my family from me?? I am going to lose my family, I cannot lose myself in my emotions, my children cannot become apart of the cycle…
Save me from myself. 
Shewontbenamed.

When does it get better?

So it’s been awhile since I posted.. Sorry about that. Between my three kids, my husband and all the other issues life throws at you, I’ve been flat out. I’ve sort of hit a wall where I’m like, do I like living in a regional city? Should I move back to the metro area? Will my children be happy here? 

I am beginning to really feel home sick. Oh I miss the city, I miss the being able to go a store that’s open 24 hours and it’s NOT McDonalds. I miss the supermarket being opened till midnight instead of 9pm. I miss my friends, family… My job. 

Since our move, my husband and I have been fighting a fair whack. Almost every single day. Unhealthy, I’ve got  a “friend” who’s husband talks shit about almost everyone, who thinks the best advice is, “oh just do what ever you want, buy what you want.” I don’t want to hear that, I don’t want to hear, that I need to see a life coach because my marriage is unhealthy.  I don’t want to hear I need to take my kids out of the marriage because we fight. Everyone has a disagreement, fight, argument at some point. Ok we may be fighting a lot but I sure as hell am not throwing my marriage away when i believe our problems can fixed.. 

Now, I’m not saying that I personally need a life coach, I am saying, that I think my husband and I may need to do counselling, find the root of our problems and try to iron out the creases to make us happy again.. The problem with that??? My husband is so stubborn that when I suggest counselling I’m frowned upon. 

I love my family with all my heart, I’ll do what ever it takes to fix any problem we have, to make our marriage last a lifetime. Until then, when does it get better? 

Shewontbenamed x