Death..

In my last post, I spoke about “mums” and how I was adopted and felt like I wasn’t loved.. My mum who adopted passed away 2 weeks ago.. 

You read right, my mum passed away. Now obviously we didn’t have the best relationship, read my last post and a monkey could tell you that! But my heart is still in a million pieces, what is a world without mum? It’s been a little over 2 weeks and I’m still shattered. I am still in disbelief, I am still heartbroken.. When is the feeling of heart break meant to go away? Does it ever go away? Am I allowed to do things and have a routine again? Or am I meant to crawl into a hole and wonder how on earth I am going to survive the rest of my life without my mum?? 

I cannot picture my world without my mum, no matter how nasty she was, she was my mum, she’ll always be my mum… 

When death happens, everyone grieves in different ways, for me personally losing mum while I knew it was going to happen as she was unwell, I’m still in shock & disbelief… I still want this to be a dream and her to ring me up saying “Jokes on you babe.” I’d much rather that.. In the last 10 months alone, we have lost 2 aunties, an uncle, a great grandmother and my mum.. How am I meant to be feeling? Does anyone know? I don’t know, I don’t know anymore… 😞

I’m sorry, especially if I did not make any sense.. 

Two mums.

So, I’m adopted or as my mum likes to say I was her foster daughter.. Tonight I was watching on a news program about a young girl who was adopted because her Sri Laken mum couldn’t afford to have her and it was basically a life or death situation. Anyway, the lovely family who adopted her were loving and gave her the most wonderful life. Her Australian mum who passed away had one dying wish and that was for this young girl to find her birth mother.. She did.. It was beautiful, a beautiful reunion. I sat on the couch crying like a baby… My husband seems to think I cry over a lot of things… Maybe I do, I’m a woman, a very emotional woman. Is that a bad thing?

I cried because I was put up for adoption, both my mums I feel didn’t love me. I was abused from before I can remember (maybe I was a horrible child? I believe I was doomed from conception.). I was sexually abused by the age 7, I was physically abused before that by a babysitter, my mother used to tell me I was so horrible that it’s no wonder I was put up for adoption, she used to use the fact I was sexually abused against me.. I remember an orange blanket and a knife, if I was naughty the person under the orange blanket would emerge, carrying a knife reminding me to behave myself..

My mum used to also use the man hole as a form of abuse.. How? She would claim to have ladder waiting under the man hole and tell me when it was in the middle of the night she was taking me away for ever. Basically now, I have a fear of man holes.. Pretty embarrassing so the people who know me, don’t actually know.

My point is, I was really emotional because the young girl had TWO mothers who love her & I feel like I can’t even get one to love me.. I’m grateful for all the family that do love me. Just sometimes I need a mum.
Shewontbenamed x

Breaking the cycle of abuse.

Being abused and losing my entire childhood and teen years, was tough.  I guess I was doomed from birth. A drug baby, then my mother “tried” to look after me, she told me once I cried so much she locked me in a cupboard… Fast forward a few weeks, I’m put in to foster care with a lady whom I grow up calling mum..

It wasn’t a good love, between her being sick all the time, being sexually abused an uncle, having to look after my “mum” to her belting me all the time and calling me names, saying I was ungrateful at the age of 8. 

Fast forward from 1998 to today.. I’m a mother of three children and a wife, to a caring and adoring husband. My eldest child being 5 and youngest child 9months old. Yesterday my children pushed and pushed and done everything to misbehave.. I said some things, to which I sat and I cried about, it was at this point I realised… How do I break the cycle??? Ian definitely 100% not at all abusing my children! Let me make that quite clear!!

I have smacked their bottoms (not the 9 month old either), told them they are naughty, taken toys away.. But it’s when they push and push and I want to lose complete control and just go nuts, I realise that’s where the abuse will start.. How do I break this?  How do I stop myself from getting to this point.. I’m 25 years of age, Ihave been this way my entire life,  every relationship I was in, was a domestic violent relationship.. My daughters accidental sperm donor copped it from me.. I was continuing that cycle of abuse I had suffered for the last 4 years… When did I break that??? I broke that, when I met my husband.. We are happy, (okay, we have our issues!!!) but we are not violent towards each other, we are not nasty to each other.. How I broke that??? Beyond me. I got no fucking clue… 

Where do I go to seek help to save my family from me?? I am going to lose my family, I cannot lose myself in my emotions, my children cannot become apart of the cycle…
Save me from myself. 
Shewontbenamed.

When does it get better?

So it’s been awhile since I posted.. Sorry about that. Between my three kids, my husband and all the other issues life throws at you, I’ve been flat out. I’ve sort of hit a wall where I’m like, do I like living in a regional city? Should I move back to the metro area? Will my children be happy here? 

I am beginning to really feel home sick. Oh I miss the city, I miss the being able to go a store that’s open 24 hours and it’s NOT McDonalds. I miss the supermarket being opened till midnight instead of 9pm. I miss my friends, family… My job. 

Since our move, my husband and I have been fighting a fair whack. Almost every single day. Unhealthy, I’ve got  a “friend” who’s husband talks shit about almost everyone, who thinks the best advice is, “oh just do what ever you want, buy what you want.” I don’t want to hear that, I don’t want to hear, that I need to see a life coach because my marriage is unhealthy.  I don’t want to hear I need to take my kids out of the marriage because we fight. Everyone has a disagreement, fight, argument at some point. Ok we may be fighting a lot but I sure as hell am not throwing my marriage away when i believe our problems can fixed.. 

Now, I’m not saying that I personally need a life coach, I am saying, that I think my husband and I may need to do counselling, find the root of our problems and try to iron out the creases to make us happy again.. The problem with that??? My husband is so stubborn that when I suggest counselling I’m frowned upon. 

I love my family with all my heart, I’ll do what ever it takes to fix any problem we have, to make our marriage last a lifetime. Until then, when does it get better? 

Shewontbenamed x 

The way I feel.

Seeing as I get told I’m not allowed to feel the way I feel, i will post it here… 

 I’m having so much trouble with Miss Fives behaviour, Master 3 is starting to follow suit., before long Master 7 months will start to do the same.. 

I feel like they hate me. I honestly have no idea who I am anymore.  As a parent, you face struggles, you wonder if what you’re doing is right for your child, is this really the best decision for my child? 

I honestly feel like I’m a failing mother. I feel like I’ve failed, failed my husband and my children. 

I’m sorry. I am just so fucking sorry.

Shewontbenamed

Not meant to be.

so this week we decided it was time to buy a house. The funds are there so why not??! Well, we inspected houses and found the one we wanted…. 

We organised the building inspection, pest inspection and solicitors only to have the owners decide after we had committed to purchasing and paid to take the house off the market, that they wanted more, we were counter offered.. It turned into an auction…
Devastated does not begin to explain how I felt when I received the phone call explaining that we had lost the property. 

It was perfect for us…
Maybe next time right ? 

Shewontbenamed. 

Is it over?

as you know, I’m married. But Is it over? We are having some behavioural issues with Miss 5 and the school has called a meeting next Friday with her teacher, the welfare officer, myself and my husband…  I know 100% my husband will not be at the meeting… Why? Because it appears, that while yes she is a 5 year old little girl, she has caused us a fair whack of problems. *note I take full responsibility for how she acts and how she is* 

He has distanced himself from her, doesn’t want to deal with her and in his words is “sick of her.”  Talk about crushed. My heart, is broken in a millions pieces.. I have screwed up raising my children.. Side note here, miss 5 is from a previous relationship which went south and long story short he wanted nothing to do with her.

How do I fix this huge mistake? How do I mend this… With my husband not caring anymore about my daughter, I’m just broken… let me tell you though, He was there for her birth, changed her first few nappies, bathed her, took her in as his own. Now this… This nightmare. 

I am currently on the couch with my baby, I managed to transfer him from his cradle into my lounge room without waking him up.. Live taken my medication and now, this… I’m writing a blog, thinking about how I fix this mess.. 

I have a referral to see a paediatrician now the waiting game begins, what are the costs going to be, what will the waiting timeframe be… The doctor on the referral is aimed at, is away till Friday, so Friday is the EARLIEST I will hear back… Until I get an appointment and an assessment done, does my husband and I, speak very little to each other and do I continue sleeping on the couch?

I don’t even know…… 
Shewontbenamed.

How Are You?

Reflecting Out Loud

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. – Rabbi Earl Grollman

How are you? Three little words. Sometimes we ask them in passing, not even waiting for an answer. At other times we ask in a more perfunctory way. And then there are the times we ask in a way that says, “Tell me your truth. I really want to know.”

In recent months, each time I would speak to my dad, I would ask him, “How are you dad?” But I always followed those three words with this, “Dad, I’m asking because I really want to know, so answer me honestly. How are you?” My father would often sigh, take a deep breath and answer, “I’m not doing so good.” And then…

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Depression.

 Finding the way to describe depression and the way one feels, can be and is quite difficult, AFL Geelong Cats player, Mitch Clark describes depression perfectly. 

I’ve never really be able to find a way, to describe how I feel.. Tonight I was on Facebook which I don’t use very often because I feel it is filled with negativity and you know what, someone in my state doesn’t need that rubbish…

Finding this, really made me understand I am not entirely alone, other people feel the way I feel.. This is how I feel every day, I want to go back to bed, and to be totally honest, most days, I do. Master 4 months and master 3 cuddle up to me in my bed & we sleep.. Not little sleeps, but big blocks of sleep.. 3-4 hours, most of the day, we will lay in bed and just watch TV.. I won’t even watch TV, I will just lay there.. Doing nothing. My poor children having to see this.. Being put through my nightmare… I’m sorry, if you ever read this.. I am so sorry. I love you.
Shewontbenamed. 

My harsh reality

I look at all the other parents when I pick up Miss 5 from school.  They are all cool, calm and collected.. Then there is me.. Who is not., I am a complete mess.. Master 3 has the most disgusting behaviour ever, just this afternoon be punched into me, spat in my face, pulled my hair and repeatedly told me how much he hated me.. Pretty intense for a 3 year old hey…

I have ruined my children, when I was younger my mother was so horrible to me and I swore I would never ever be so horrible. How wrong am I.. I have no idea on how to deal with them, how to deal with the horrible behaviours. The swearing, the hitting, punching, telling me how much they hate me.. I broke my children, what a horrible feeling.. 

I have a mental illness, I am on medication for it . It’s rubbing off onto my children.. My poor, innocent children. 

I think they would be better off without me.